Back to a place much simpler than this...

Not gonna lie.

I’m gonna be one sexy lady on Halloween.

Get ready, shes gonna be a good one.

Why do I do this to myself?

Honestly I do not understand it, I put myself in a spot to get screwed over. I didn’t know it was any way right to have a girl over to talk about me? I don’t do that to you, nor would I ever have.

I need to stop doing this kind of stuff, I dont get it, I pushed so many people away, and for what reason? This is the second time I have done this to myself. No not fall in love because I can say I have only ever fallen in love once and the next time I let that happen its going to be to the one I hope to spend the rest of my life with.

It has been nothing but fights, sex, fights again, sex, a couple days of fun, sex, and more fights, and constant break ups.

My mom and dad have already told me I have pushed away a bunch of guys who they have known for a while who they know are great guys, these are guys I have also known for a while…one is even good friends with my cousin. I push everyone away because I am trying to hold onto something that isn’t real, I feel like in both relationships I am the only one who actually cared.

One thinks that cheating is acceptable and the other thinks money is the answer to everything. When is enough, enough?

I have never cheated, never hang out with a guy one on one, other then Luc when I was trying to figure out something to get you for Christmas until Luc said “if you buy this guy that shit I will hunt your ass down, he doesn’t even deserve it”.

I just want that guy, you know the one every girl wants, actually hell I can even down grade a little. Yes I know there will be fights, but I want that guy who want to just spend time with me and not have to have all his friends there, I am content with hanging out with friends yes but not all the damn time

I want that guy who just wants to hold me, like seriously just lay there with me watching a movie with his arms around me. Is that so much for someone to ask?

I want that guy where I can sit and have a conversation with them and they dont need to answer their phone 24/7.

I want a guy that actually wants to admit he is with me. I don’t give a shit if you don’t scream it to the top of the world. Just as long as when I come around its not this is my friend Ashley its this is my girlfriend Ashley, I want that guy who will admit to other girls, sorry ladies I have a caring beautiful girlfriend and I don’t need to be flirting with you.

Those guys are a fairy tale when it comes to my life, I know I will not marry that guy, with my past relationships I know I am bound to end up in the relationship that’s controlling. I don’t want to be, but look at the situations I put myself in.

Yes I am going to be a huge hypocrite because I am going to be working with girls who are in abusive and controlling relationships telling them not to be in them and they are poison, to going home and walking into the exact situation I am telling girls not to be in.

Its sad really.

Oh hey Tumblr.

Just thought I would let you know, not a damn thing has changed. Still the same situations, still the same reactions, and still the same old bullshit. Its never gonna change.

I wish I was going back to Woodstock, get away from everyone for a little while, have my own cute little place where I could just escape from everyone, and I mean everyone. As bad as it sounds I just want a week to escape from my family, friends, and Curtis. I just want to be alone for a week, collect all my thoughts, get a break every once and a while, because no matter what there is gonna be someone there saying you’re messing up, you’re the problem, its your fault. Hey dumbasses, take a look in the mirror every so often because you’re no damn angel yourself, and if you really think you are you need to take you head outta your ass.

Get over yourselves.

Sorry if this offended anyone, I needed to vent real bad. Even though this isn’t even close to the amount I want to vent about.

Lady Gaga taught me its ok to be different.

Ke$ha taught me to be myself and not care what anyone else thinks.

Bruno Mars taught me to do anything for that one person I love.

Eminem taught me that life is hard but you can make it through.

Taylor Swift taught me not every guy is going to treat me right.

Michael Jackson taught me to always love the people around me.

Music taught me how to live.

BUT:

most importantly, Rebecca Black taught me the days of the week